Dave Hollins: Space Cadet - Enormous Fat Man
ANNOUNCER: (Nick Maloney)
Dave Hollins: Space Cadet.
HOLLINS: (Nick Wilton)
This is Stella Trader Dave Hollins, calling Earth-Com 7 Beta 7. I'm six trillion years from Earth. I was supposed to spend the journey in suspended animation, but, I don't know, I just couldn't get to sleep. I'm circling a class three planet, which has three moons. One is volcanic, one is gas, and the other moon is wearing an Hawaiian shirt. Hab, can you give me a bio-scan on that moon?
HAB: (Chris Barrie)
Certainly, Dave. It is not, in fact, a moon. It's an enormous fat man floating in space.
HOLLINS:
Is he alive?
HAB:
Yes, Dave. You see, the planet below has inverted gravity.
HOLLINS:
You mean, things fall upwards?
HAB:
Precisely, Dave.
HOLLINS:
Can't be much fun on Shrove Tuesday. Goodbye, pancakes.
HAB:
They don't toss pancakes, Dave. They bounce them.
HOLLINS:
But if everything goes up, how do they people stay down there?
HAB:
Over the centuries, the Zygons have evolved feet made out of velcro.
HOLLINS:
So in short, Hab, that guy, who is the size of a moon, ate so much he got ripped off into orbit. But what about the Hawaiian shirt? Why is he wearing it outside of his trousers?
HAB:
Because, Dave, he believes it makes him look slimmer.
HOLLINS:
Can you set up a link with him, Hab? Tell him we're the little spaceship orbitting his waistline.
HAB:
He says he's been up there three years now, Dave. He travels between the moons, propelling himself by burping and breaking wind.
HOLLINS:
Oh, boy. I wouldn't like to be in this starbelt when he does a body belch, man.
HAB:
At the moment, Dave, he's stranded. He's completely mined all the pinto beans off both moons.
HOLLINS:
The poor fat guy is stuck out there in that stupid shirt? Can't anybody help him?
HAB:
He can never return to the planet's surface. No-one can help him. Wait, Dave. Secure yourself. Shockwave approaching.
[an explosion, followed by gusting winds]
HOLLINS:
What's happening, Hab? Give me visual. Look, look! There's another moon now. This moon's wearing a pink smock and yellow slacks.
HAB:
It's his wife, Dave. She's spent the last three years eating, so she can join him in orbit.
HOLLINS:
What's that she's got with her? It's a giant bag of pinto beans! Look! They're holding hands. Wow! She must be pretty crazy about him. What a love story. There they go, burping their way into the sunset. I don't... I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful in all my life. What do you say, Hab?
HAB:
[tearful]I... I'd just like a second to myself, please Dave.
HOLLINS:
Sure, Hab. When you've got yourself together, let's get out of here.
HAB:
OK, Dave.
ANNOUNCER:
Dave Hollins: Space Cadet.